And oh, the car. I am thrilled to have one – running – again. The price was just right. A friend upgraded and I had asked her to let me know when she did so, because I have been in need of something new. I had a little black 2 door sports car with every available feature that I had picked from the showroom for my 28th birthday and had put the first mile on – it was completely paid off. I loved that car like nothing else. But after some years were put on it and it being in need of some maintenance, plus a break in attempt that vandalized and left it in need of some work, and having financial problems I could no longer afford to put the money into those things and had to resign it to being parked in front of my place.
My brother had been in need of a vehicle, and so we made a trade – he could afford the work to get it back to new condition (and it was like mint otherwise – even had the new car smell still) so the plan was he would take it and if he found something new this year we would trade back. However, he is still using it, and he put enough cash into it that I consider it rightfully his now, and my new to me one is perfect for my needs (and like I said, the price was right). It’s older, but had only 60k on it, was kept in near new condition, has four doors and amazing fuel economy, my insurance premiums are less than half of what I had been paying, and it came with a set of brand new winter tires and all seasons. I’m thrilled with it. Though I do still miss my ‘baby’. And I feel bad thinking that way.
I miss the computer screen that told me everything I wanted to know, the controls built into the steering wheel, the satellite radio, the sunroof which opened via electronic command all the way open so you could hang out of it like a limo if you had wanted, the high end stereo and speaker system, the controls that all adjusted automatically based on the speed you were driving, the trunk that had the false bottom and could fit a small army in it, the dash that lit up like what I imagine a rocket ship control panel to be, the like new smell, the blacked out everything. And now that I have gotten that out of my system and put it out there, I will say no more about it. I am happy and grateful for what I have now.
I am thrilled with the excellent condition, the fact that it is less expensive and more functional, highly maneuverable, turns on a dime and holds even the tightest of corners with ease, better for me and my pup, and I was able to pay for it in cash so it is mine all mine. In all reality, it is the type of vehicle I should have purchased for myself all those years ago in lieu of what I did get, and the type of vehicle I would have been looking into at this point in my life anyhow had my circumstances been otherwise. Hell, I’ve experienced the same thoughts with every vehicle upgrade I have ever made… when I first got my beautiful black two door I was mourning my Jeep I had just set aside and all the off road adventures we had had, and finally for the first time converting from driving stick to having my first automatic (for all you who don’t know how to drive manual transmission, you are missing out). When I first got my Jeep I was mourning my previous little black two door. When I first had that, I was mourning the loss of my little red low-rider rear wheel drive truck with the after market racing engine that had been installed (how I didn’t die in that thing I still don’t know). Leave it to say, I am going through a brief period of mourning, and my excitement over my new to me ride is growing by the minute.
I had thought to put the winter tires on over the weekend. Yet the weather was mild and the streets bare and dry. The tires are studded. Put them on too early and you destroy the tires. However, you’ll find yourself in a ditch, good and stuck, or sliding through a four way all about our hilly landscape just begging for disaster if you wait until the appropriate temperature and conditions to put them on. I’m currently getting by on all seasons. The next set I’m going for will be all weather. My last set on my last car were all weather, and they perform above and beyond many winter tires you can acquire nowadays. They didn’t much help today that was for sure. I had issues leaving my apartment today, barely made it out of my parking space at the end of the day, and then came home from work late to find the city had plowed the streets right into my ‘driveway’.
I came home to large snowbanks all along the front of my place large and solid enough and spanning such a distance I could not get anywhere near my apartment. I had to drive around the block amidst the 15cm of snow and slush that was storming down around the city, park up the street, walk through the snow back to my ground floor apartment and break up and shovel away the ice riddled banks before I could get back in my car and get anywhere near. I then realized I had not planned for dinner and had to run back out to the grocery store. By the time I got in the door I could hear the melted snow turned to water sloshing and squishing inside my boots, my skin was wrinkling and I had lost what little sensation I have in my feet. It was quite painful to warm up. It was nowhere near the big deal I make it out to be, but I was so angry and frustrated over this, after what had already been a long enough day, I almost had a little cry over it.
I have also lost much desire for things that I know I enjoy. Yet I have found the motivation to do them… yet have nothing that I can decide on to do. My energy level is revving at high, or plodding at low. There is no middle ground. I find myself not so much online – I find the reading and searching through sites, social media, email, blogs too tiring lately. And I can think of nothing to say. To anyone, in any situation as of late, actually.
I’m honestly confused. I have been experiencing highs and lows each day and I’m running through quite the gamut of emotions as well, no lie. I’m either just entering a depressive funk – though wouldn’t the increase in energy and motivation, the better duration and quality of sleep and the wider range of emotion negate that? – or just coming out of one – but then shouldn’t my lows and highs be less extreme, my physical and mental crashes be less substantial, my recurring fatigue and desire to crawl under the covers less so, my interest in my pursuits heightened, and my ability to deal with things sharpened?
I have been reading actual books again lately as opposed to the internet. Mostly ones I have previously read and loved, and it feels like picking up with old friends after some time apart. I am not the most domestic of persons, but have been trying to get back into cooking and baking after having lost much of my enthusiasm for it this past year. I have been trying to do things like learning to stitch up the ripped seams in the expensive pants that only lasted a week and replacing the decorative buttons that fell off of my favourite wool coat after only a day – why is it only with the pricier items this happens? – and find I still hate and am as incompetent at sewing as ever. I have already lost those buttons again – permanently this time however, as I could not find them in the snowstorm. I have been keeping myself occupied with useful pursuits, but I have been neglecting my health much as of late. I have been focusing much on tasks as opposed to self improvement and forward motion. Though perhaps those tasks contribute to those other things. My brain is too overwhelmed as of late to process much correctly.
I feel like a mess. I feel like I’m doing great. I feel enthusiasm. I feel lethargy. I look forward to my days and then can’t wait for them to be over. I want to do things, but have no concept of what. I have a good life, but I’m always working at trying to do and be better. I could feel better, but I have felt worse. I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore. I don’t know what to focus on next and am trying to re-establish what my priorities are.
This is me and the state of my mind and life in a nutshell.
And what the world outside my home knows of me is that I have a new car, a lot of shoes, a decent job, and pictures of airplanes, nights out with friends, and of cuddles with my little nephew. Now that you know what’s really under the surface, criticize if you want – though your time would be better served turned to your own affairs. Or just look at what I choose to share socially and compare yourself unfavourably if that’s your wont. Just remember, we all have our own issues and things that could be better or worse, and all I’m sharing is my highlight reel.