Continued from Can’t Quite Explain It… A Broke Girl’s Ramblings (Part 1)
I’ve mentioned that I haven’t been blogging consistently lately because I’m busy and exhausted. That could not have been more true. But give or take a week or two ago the craziness simmered down for the most part. Though I did go to camp with the man for the weekend and bought a (new to me) car since then.
Okay… and I did work out of town, and I have been getting to work early and leaving late, and am still concerned about the issue my friend is experiencing, spent some time visiting with my family, and have been consistently sick … but that’s not all really that much. I cannot wholly justify our weekends at the cabin on the list of things wearing me down however; life is quiet, peaceful, timeless, and it just makes sense when we’re out at the lake. Just as the noise and clutter and hustle and confusion in the environment is all of a sudden removed when we’re out of the city, so it seems to be from my mind. But that time is fleeting, as a return to the real world is always waiting. And the packing, commute, hauling, unpacking, dealing with groceries and sundry both ways is by no means a light or quick chore.
The moment we returned last week, the first things I felt were discontent and loneliness. I then felt quite ill. I suppose I could write those off as the effects of parting with my sweetheart knowing we wouldn’t be able to fit in any quality time for each other for yet another week, and the effects of one of many varieties of seasonal ailments I keep picking up as the girls in my office have been so generous as to share around. I also have a blockage in my right ear that has been driving me crazy – impairing my hearing to no small degree, putting me off balance and just in general making me cranky. This happens a few times a year – I work with an earbud shoved in my ear, so you could say it is a work hazard. Going to give it to Monday before I resort to going to the doctor to take care of it.
And I have been cranky. I’ve been irritable and short tempered all week. I don’t know whether to attribute it to being worn out, being just-a-little-bit-but-just-enough sick for what feels like forever, thinking too much about money, the drastically changing weather, hormone issues (just another thing I have spent good time with the doctor over), or my depressive disorder or not.
I feel as if I’m just coming out of a depressive episode. Or just starting one. I’ll admit, for me it’s honestly hard to tell sometimes. Finding yourself sliding on in to or out of one always feels very odd and unsettling at first, because you feel completely different from how you were getting used to feeling. Then (as is typical in my case anyhow) you get used to feeling this new way, and it goes on for so long that it feels completely normal. I’m getting well enough at coping and keeping busy when I’m depressed lately and exhausting myself when I’m not, that I am starting to have some trouble differentiating between the two. This is not good. I think. Or maybe it means I’m all of a sudden ‘fixed’ and normal, which is ‘good’. Or maybe …. I don’t know. I overthink the matter.
I was once married to an alcoholic. I became a complete teetotaler much of my adult life. Now I overdo it a time or two a year. The point is, I’ve never been stuck with that same affliction. But I feel like not being sober as of late. It’s an odd feeling to have. Maybe I’m just overdue for a good old fashioned burn off some steam kind of night out. So I’ve had two glasses of wine tonight while watching movies. Chuckle all you want, that’s more than plenty for me.
There is a lot of retirement, vacation, sick leave, turnover, etc., and even death in my (office) building right now. There are many, many new faces all around through every department and layer of the good old justice system. Everyone is great – really. I can see myself being good friends with some. But it’s been too much these recent years, and I’m very much feeling the absence of all of those friends that I no longer get to see on a daily basis, or at all.
I get a lot of compliments lately on my clothes. They seem new only because I have enough that I can rotate for years without having to buy anything new, and because the seasons have changed, so I can bring my old things from storage into rotation. I also am the recipient of many a ‘new’ item from my sisters and nieces, since we trade off at least once a year. But I hate everything I own. I wish I could just once in my life go out and splurge on an entirely new, modern, stylish wardrobe comprised of things I desire over that which I need and can afford. Those pants you asked where they came from are 15 years old. And I bought them on clearance at a teenybopper store for 5$.
I have been told several times this past week how young I appear for my age. But I feel so much older than my age so many days, and then experience a fleeting bitterness at my circumstances, as my lifestyle is very similar to one much younger than my age due to my having lost everything I had worked so hard for and having had to start from absolute scratch at the age where my friends were just starting to acquire those same things that I had lost 10 years earlier. I find myself with little in common anymore with my peer group as they are getting more and more settled, and my circle of friends is becoming younger as it is natural to bond with those who share the same circumstances as you. I find it difficult to reconcile my 20 something year old circumstances with my life experience of an octogenarian and my actual 37 year old self, so find myself out for drinks with my 25 year old friend one day, and settling in for a good debate with my 71 year old friend the next.
I’ve also been the recipient the past while of some questionable ‘compliments’ that have made me stop to really consider who and what I’m writing for and the image I project. Through what I believe to be no fault of my own, it has made me feel self conscious and dirty, but that’s another post altogether. But it has been weighing heavy on my mind.
I have been stressed thinking over finances. I have a very, very tight budget going forward the next couple of months at least, due to my new wheels, but I have enough. Or is it really enough? No emergencies, no wiggle room, no unexpected anything… I could be fine. Or I could blow it all. Just because I have enough money for something doesn’t mean I can afford it. But usually – and typically only – when I’m at my lowest I have a moment where I forget and think otherwise, and then the damage is done before I had time to finish the thought. I’ve been getting better at controlling it these past several years, but I slip once or twice annually. However, my budget is based on the lowest end of my potential income scale. There is the possibility that I will exceed that by a small to reasonable sized amount, but I cannot count on it.
I have three days off each week. I am more seriously considering finding a permanent part time position on the side, but to make as paltry a commitment to any employer as just two days a week then robs me of all but one day a week, and I recall how worn down and sick I was the last time I was moonlighting. But then I remind myself that I was working three jobs and had a home business (on top of a house that burned, and a failing/failed marriage). And it goes on like this back and forth, both sides played out in my head. ‘Very true’, I tell myself, ‘But you now put in more hours at the one job, have more responsibility, shop for and pay for and maintain your home and bills and needs completely by yourself now, have a dog and a good relationship with a man you get to see only half as much as you’d wish, and finally have something close to a life and mental stability again’. What to do, what to do….
Read more in The Reality… A Broke Girl’s Ramblings (Part 3 of 3)